Blog post

How's this for a blog post:

I wanted to let myself fall asleep at the wheel on my way to work today.

I feel like I have failed my boys since before they were even born. They deserve so much better than this.

Still feeling a lot of anger

I don't know how I became this mom. 

I'm bad about being on my cell a lot around the boys, trying to change that.

I'm not good at discipline. I yell at them like my mother yelled at me. I don't have enough patience with them. I'm lazy. Everyone else has plenty of energy after a 9hr workday & 2hr commute, right?

I search google desperately for ideas on how to discipline, pottytrain, timeouts, getting kids to listen, learning not to yell, etc etc. I don't trust my gut/instincts when it comes to raising a child. 

I want to change, I want to be the mother that years from now my boys are saying what a great childhood they had.

More guilt

Current reason for feeling guilty regarding my boys:

Most nights I am the one that takes them through bedtime routine. On the occasional nights I just can't do it, S takes over. He is not as patient with them as I am. So bedtime turns into yelling & anger.  This in turn makes me feel guilty for being so stressed or tired that I can't do bedtime with them. It's almost like they are being punished because I had a bad day.

Sad realization

I will always be me underneath

Karate class

I wanted to give Ben something active to do with other kids. Wish I had not chosen karate for that. 

Ben doesn't listen, doesn't seem as coordinated or interested as the other kids.  I can't wait for our 6 month contract can be up. 

All this does is add one more reason to feel guilty about not having more time with them.

I wish I had just one day free of parental guilt.

Life is overwhelming

This is what I posted in my Facebook group Running on Purpose

First I want to apologize for not keeping this group going.  I should have asked for help when my life started getting overwhelming.

When I started the group, I was eating healthy, exercising daily, and had lost close to 50lbs.  

In October 2013, I was offered a promotion at work that I was very excited about and would be very beneficial to my family.  Since then, I have postponed my Medical Coding program I was almost done with, started working overtime in the evening and most Saturdays, and raised my stress levels to the breaking point.  Bye bye healthy eating, exercise, weight loss.  I have gained almost every single pound I had lost.  

I am in the process of taking back my life and sorting out priorities.

Starting weight: 297

Current weight: 284