Still feeling a lot of anger

I don't know how I became this mom. 

I'm bad about being on my cell a lot around the boys, trying to change that.

I'm not good at discipline. I yell at them like my mother yelled at me. I don't have enough patience with them. I'm lazy. Everyone else has plenty of energy after a 9hr workday & 2hr commute, right?

I search google desperately for ideas on how to discipline, pottytrain, timeouts, getting kids to listen, learning not to yell, etc etc. I don't trust my gut/instincts when it comes to raising a child. 

I want to change, I want to be the mother that years from now my boys are saying what a great childhood they had.

More guilt

Current reason for feeling guilty regarding my boys:

Most nights I am the one that takes them through bedtime routine. On the occasional nights I just can't do it, S takes over. He is not as patient with them as I am. So bedtime turns into yelling & anger.  This in turn makes me feel guilty for being so stressed or tired that I can't do bedtime with them. It's almost like they are being punished because I had a bad day.

Sad realization

I will always be me underneath

Karate class

I wanted to give Ben something active to do with other kids. Wish I had not chosen karate for that. 

Ben doesn't listen, doesn't seem as coordinated or interested as the other kids.  I can't wait for our 6 month contract can be up. 

All this does is add one more reason to feel guilty about not having more time with them.

I wish I had just one day free of parental guilt.

Life is overwhelming

This is what I posted in my Facebook group Running on Purpose

First I want to apologize for not keeping this group going.  I should have asked for help when my life started getting overwhelming.

When I started the group, I was eating healthy, exercising daily, and had lost close to 50lbs.  

In October 2013, I was offered a promotion at work that I was very excited about and would be very beneficial to my family.  Since then, I have postponed my Medical Coding program I was almost done with, started working overtime in the evening and most Saturdays, and raised my stress levels to the breaking point.  Bye bye healthy eating, exercise, weight loss.  I have gained almost every single pound I had lost.  

I am in the process of taking back my life and sorting out priorities.

Starting weight: 297

Current weight: 284

Emotional eating

Had a slight health freakout yesterday and I ended up getting oreos, dark chocolate bar, and my current obsession Snyders Honey Mustard & Onion pretzel pieces.  I ate a bunch of pretzels and Oreo's before Shane could get home and take them away.  Whenever I purchase these things, its always an impulsive purchase.  I crave, I grab, I buy, I devour. Thankfully, I didn't have time to eat a ton before Shane & the boys got home.  Shane promptly found them and hid them from me.
I ended up looking for them and eating some more when Shane was busy with the boys.  And I felt sick to my stomach from it. 
Health freakout over.  Eating better.  I'm walking everyday at work and I feel my knee regaining strength.  All I can think about is, when can I start trying to jog again???
For some reason, I constantly forget that I have a Wii Fit. I remembered that there is a jogging/running game.  Maybe it would be safer to try jogging in place with my Wii Fit.
I might give that a try soon.
I ate a lot of protein today. 2 breakfast burritos: scrambled eggs, 2 small whole wheat tortillas, mild salsa, shredded cheese.  Then I had some of my oatmeal patties for lunch.  This definitely kept me feeling full most of the day. 
I'm trying to give up my bottled water in order to save money & hassle.  I'm a self-proclaimed "water snob" from a family of water snobs.  I am not a fan of tap water at all.  I'm trying to get over it though, my husband and boys drink it, no reason I shouldn't too.  I just realize when I don't have my bottles I tend to drink less.  This is definitely not the time to start decreasing my water intake!
I've also started adding green tea to my diet.  I keep hearing how great it is for health in so many ways.  I have my coffee in the morning and if I want something else to drink during the day, it is water or green tea. 
I only have 38days left for my coding program and I really want to get it finished.  Sadly, I just don't see it happening realistically.  I still have a lot more reports to code and several sections.  Not only that, but I will need time to study for the test at the end.  I can only do my best.  If I don't finish in time, I would have to pay for an extension (which we can't afford).  I'm not sure what happens if I don't purchase the extension.  I obviously don't complete the program, can't take the test... don't get the certificate of completion (doesn't look good on resume).
Tired, watching Little Couple, have to get up at 4:30am tomorrow and it all starts over.

Pictures from my day:

Silly boys on the recliner

Shane made me an edible "rose"

Starting weight: 297.2

Current weight: 254.4

Excuses & Preparation

My exercise clothes are in the washer.  Its 6:50am and I am the only one awake in the house. If I put the clothes in the dryer, everyone will wake up.  Bad preparation last night. 

This past week, Ive realized that preparation is one of my biggest obstacles. When I dont prepare my lunches for work the night before (or on Sunday), I am scrambling in the morning trying to get a good meal together.  I can usually take care of lunch. Ive been making pots of lentil or split pea soup with lots of fresh veggies & chia seeds. Easy enough to put in a container to reheat.  Breakfast is a big challenge. Ive been trying to increase my calories/protein for breakfast, but it is always harder for me to quickly grab the right food.  My go to's are: oatmeal w/honey & sometimes frozen blueberries on top, bread w/peanut butter & banana, grapenuts & milk.  I want to incorporate more eggs, but it requires prep time that I cant do on weekday mornings.  Usually, I am so focused on what I am going to eat for lunch, breakfast often gets excluded.

My goal this week is to focus on preparing breakfast primarily. 

I am going to prep scrambled/boiled eggs for my breakfast this week, along with more fruit/veggies.  I need to erase from my mind that fruit is a breakfast food and veggies are for lunch/dinner.

Green peppers, zucchini, spinach!! Sounds like the beginning of an awesome omelette to me!!

Oatmeal cutlets I prepped for lunches

Starting weight: 297.2

Current weight: 254.1